Post Partum Blues Got You Down?
There is no doubt that becoming a mother is a joyous time in a woman’s life. The arrival of the baby that you have been anxiously awaiting is a magical and special time. However, mothering is also difficult work and can lead to feelings of exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, and shame.
I became pregnant with my first child when I was 36 years old, past the time that most of my friends had had their children. I was 8 months pregnant, when my college roommate and dear friend, Sharon, took me out to lunch to celebrate my upcoming move to Philadelphia. We talked all things baby, and about the excitement I felt over my daughter’s impending arrival. Then Sharon got serious and said “Dawn, I’m going to tell you something that no one else will ever tell you. There are days when you are going to HATE it. Everyone feels it, but no one ever says it.” Wow. Really?? Well, let me say that when the day arrived that I did hate it, as it does for most people, I remembered Sharon’s words. I felt relief, not shame over my feelings of overwhelm, and was able to chalk it up to a bad day, or fatigue. While I did not have post partum depression, I did experience feelings of overwhelm, feelings of sadness, and even feelings of grief over the loss of the old version of myself. These feelings did not last long, but when they did show themselves, I felt better knowing that I was not alone.
I have found that one of the first things that goes by the wayside when one becomes a mother (and this is only amplified when you have more than one) is self-care. Taking time for yourself, even if it is just a half hour per day is more crucial than any other time in your life. It’s a common belief among women that taking care of themselves first is “selfish”. I am here to tell you it is anything BUT selfish. When you take care of yourself first, you are a better partner, a better mother, and a better version of yourself. Everyone wins in this scenario! Here are a few ways that you can take care of yourself even while managing a family:
1. Movement of some kind, every single day is essential. Yes, every single day. Put the baby in the stroller, and get outside for a long walk or run each day. If you can pair movement with meeting a friend, even better! The fresh air, combined with the movement will help with any type of baby blues. I always recommend movement to my clients who experience depression, anxiety, or feeling stuck, because the antidote to feeling stuck is to move. Remember-it doesn’t have to be a crazy intense workout that becomes yet another task on your to-do list. Simply giving yourself time for gentle movement of some kind, whether it be walking, running, or yoga is essential for well-being of any kind. Movement is medicine!!
2. Take a shower. EVERY DAY. I remember a conversation that I had with a woman who had just had her first baby the prior year. I was newly married, and was attending the wedding of a friend. This woman began to regale me with all of the horror stories of being a mother. She told me “You are not going to be able to take a shower for days at a time. You will greet your husband at the end of the day covered in spit up. It’s awful!” Really? No shower for days? WTH??? If this sounds like you, please put the baby in the carrier and leave him or her outside the shower door while you take care of your hygiene. If you can squeeze a longer shower in while the baby naps, all the better. If it has to happen at 5:00 pm, so be it. Trust me on this. Take a shower EVERY SINGLE DAY.
3. Find a half hour each day when you can do something for yourself. Read a book, journal, meditate, play an instrument, work in your garden. Anything that speaks to you on a soul level is welcome.
4. If you can afford childcare, bite the bullet and have someone help you a few mornings per week or another time in the day that feels challenging to you. My saving grace was a college student that came two afternoons per week so that I could go to the grocery store by myself. Sometimes I simply went to Barnes and Noble, got a coffee, and read quietly on the second floor by myself for a few hours. It allowed me some breathing room, and was money well spent for my mental well-being.
5. Socialize with other friends who are moms, and BE HONEST with one another about your struggles. When we have the courage to be honest with others, it lessens the sense of shame we feel about being overwhelmed or unhappy. No one, I repeat NO ONE, does motherhood perfectly and there is no shame in admitting it is hard. I had my conversation with my friend Sharon 18 years ago, and I still quote her all the time because it had such a profound impact on me when I needed it.
6. Make sure that you and your partner are switching off on the weekends so that you both get some time alone. This is so important! Meet a friend for lunch. Take a yoga class. Go on a hike. Go to a museum. Get a manicure/pedicure or massage. Anything that feels like it brings you back to your sense of self is important. Your partner will also need this time, so take yours and offer the same gift to him or her. You will both be better for it.
7. Refrain from excessive social media scrolling. I know it can be tempting to just “veg out” and mindlessly scroll, especially when you are tired and overwhelmed. But nothing can make you feel badly about yourself more than watching endless Instagram or Facebook stories about celebrities who are doing motherhood “right” or even friends who paint a glorious picture of life with kids. These stories are not the truth, but are presented in such a way that one can never measure up, or one becomes exhausted trying. Turn off notifications, and stay away from the temptation to idealize other people’s experiences or compare yourself. It has no basis in reality and is harmful to your soul. Remember-REAL LIFE IS NOT AN INSTAGRAM STORY!
8. Seek help if you do not begin to feel better after a couple of weeks. There is a difference between “baby blues” and post-partum depression, and it is important to differentiate between the two. Baby blues generally show up as feelings of irritability, sadness, moodiness, and fatigue for a few hours a day. These feelings lessen or disappear after a couple of weeks. Post-partum depression is more intense, and can include feelings of aggression, extreme stress, emotional dysregulation, and feelings of detachment from your baby. If you recognize the symptoms of post partum depression, it is essential that you seek professional help. There are many therapists who can help you manage the emotional symptoms of post partum depression, and a medical professional can prescribe medication if it is warranted.
Remember, motherhood is difficult for everyone. Be gentle and unfailingly kind to yourself. You deserve the same kind of loving and attentive nurturing that you are offering your baby. Most important-reach out for help if you need it!
