Disorganized? Always Running Late? Here are Some Tips That May Help

by Dawn | May 20, 2021 | Uncategorized

Do you frequently lose track of your keys, wallet, or cell phone?  Do you struggle to leave the house on time?  Do you have difficulty starting and finishing projects?  If so, you may be experiencing Executive Function Disorder (EFD).  Executive Function Disorder can look very similar to ADHD, however, unlike AD there is no official diagnosis for EFD in the DSM-V.

Executive Function Skills are a set of skills that we use every day to help us manage our lives. They help us focus our attention, manage time, switch focus easily, plan and organize our lives, remember details, and multi-task.   When one has difficulty with Executive Function (EF), it is hard to focus, follow directions, or even regulate your emotions.  It can create problems in all areas of your life.  Most of us are pulled in so many different directions these days, with multiple responsibilities competing for our time.  If you add in the distractions of social media, and news consumption, it adds up to fragmented attention, leading to difficulty in managing your life with ease.

Some of the common signs of EFD in adults include:

• Difficulty in beginning a multi-step project or starting multiple projects but not finishing them.
• Forgetting the last steps in a multi-step task
• Difficulty in keeping track of personal items such as cell phones, car keys, wallet, etc.
• Trouble following conversations
• Frequently losing your train of thought
• Difficulty with multi-tasking
• Difficulty remembering names, or acronyms and abbreviations
• Forgetting to complete important tasks such as bill paying or filling out forms
• Trouble with leaving the house on time, and frequently running late
• Difficulty meeting deadlines
• Difficulty in keeping important papers organized
• Poor emotional control
• Trouble with prioritizing tasks
• Poor follow through with plans
• Easily frustrated

If you recognize yourself in any of the above, do not lose heart.  EF skills can be strengthened with commitment and practice. Here are some small steps that you can take to improve your Executive Function Skills, and in the process improve the way you live.

Reduce Distractions!

First, and foremost, it is imperative to reduce the number of distractions in your life.  This means being intentional about decreasing the amount of time scrolling through social media (does social media ever make you feel better about your life?  I didn’t think so), and reducing the amount of time you are consuming news and other content on the internet.  Immersing yourself in constant news consumption only serves to keep yourself in a state of agitation, which is not helpful to anyone, but especially those who struggle with EFD.  Take alerts off your phone, remove social media apps that allow for contant scrolling, and set limits on how and when you will consume social media.  Turn your phone off for increasing amounts of time, but especially during family time and during meals.  Avoid your screen before bed so that you can go to sleep with a calm state of mind.

Use a Paper Planner or Calendar

I know, I know.  You use your phone for everything, and simply cannot go back to the Dark Ages.  But hear me out on this.  The simple act of writing something down can help you to remember it more than putting it into an electric device.  Writing it down sends a message to the brain and looking at what you have written down several times throughout the day helps with memory and retention.  I use a good old-fashioned paper calendar planner for my client appointments as well as my personal appointments, both in the same place.  I look at it several times per day, and have yet to forget or miss a client appointment.

Use One Notebook for All To-Do’s

This has probably been one of the most helpful tips I was ever given.  It came by way of my friend, Cara Bradley, who was the creator and owner of Verge Yoga, where I taught yoga for several years.  Cara is the most organized person I have ever met and one day, during one of our meetings, she whipped out a small notebook and wrote down tasks that she committed to doing during our meeting.  I was impressed and she told me “yep, all of my to do’s are in one place, and a new page every day.”  Wow.  I was even more impressed when the next day, all that we had discussed was completed.  Ever since that day, I have kept one small notebook with my everyday tasks in one place, and it has been enormously helpful to me to stay on top of my to do list.

Set Up Calendar Reminders on Phone     

Wait-didn’t I just encourage you to write things down instead of putting them in your phone?  Yes, I did, and I stand by that.  However, since most of us are tied to our phones 24/7, it is helpful to have reminders for important tasks that are in the future, and have a high potential to be forgotten.  This became painfully clear to me in my own life, when I realized that I had forgotten to give my beloved dogs their heartworm medication for several months.  Now, I simply have a recurring reminder on my phone on the 8^th of each month, and the pooches are heartworm free.

Use Apps to Help Stay Organized

As you might have guessed, I am not the most tech savvy person.  I use a paper calendar, and a book for my daily to do lists.  However, several years ago, I succumbed to pressure from my husband to try E-Wallet and Evernote, and they have been game changers for me. E-Wallet keeps all of my bank account numbers, credit card numbers, along with their passwords organized in one convenient place.  The app is on my phone so that access to the information I need is in one place with a simple unlock of my phone.  Evernote helps with filing various documents that I want to read later in one simple place.  No advertising here-as an avowed non-techi, these apps have made organization much easier for me.

Set Up AutoPay for Bills

No explanation needed here.

Set Up a Filing System to Keep Track of Mail and Other Papers

This is a biggie for most people whether they struggle with EFD or not.  Have a specific place to put mail when it comes into the house before you open it.  How many times have you walked in the house and placed the mail on a counter top, or table, leading to clutter and disarray?  Yep, I thought so.  Ours is placed in a beautiful decorative wall file right when you walk into the mudroom.  Two or three times per week, I clean out the box, immediately recycling the junk, and tending to the pieces of mail that require action on my part.

This works for other areas with a high potential for disorganization-namely, your keys!  Designate one spot in your house where you put your keys each day, preferably right near the door you use to get to your car.

See It Deal With It

if a task can be completed very easily in less than 2 or 3 minutes, do it immediately, rather than writing it down.  Toilet paper need to be replenished?  Paper need to be filed?  See it, deal with it.

Project Management        

Projects that require multiple steps can be especially challenging for someone who struggles with EFD.  For this I recommend a project notebook which can be purchased at Office Max, Staples, or any other office supply chain.  Each project is given a page, and is broken down into steps.  For example, say you are planning a graduation party.  The first step on the list might be “choose a date”.  The second might be “choose a caterer”.  When you break a project down into all of the pieces, no matter how small, it will be less likely that you will forget a step, or fail to finish the project.  Crossing off the steps as you complete them gives you a sense of control over your time, and more importantly, a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Develop a Meditation Practice

One of the key aspects of EFD is difficulty with self-regulation.  The practice of meditation can help you learn to tolerate difficult emotions more easily, and calm yourself down more quickly when activated.  It can be daunting to think about adding something to an already busy schedule, but if you begin with just 5 minutes of simple quiet breathing, it can really add up to feeling a deeper sense of peace, and thus a feeling of being more in control of your life.

Finally, there has been ample research that clearly shows a correlation between complex trauma and EFD and ADHD.  When a child grows up in an environment that includes chaos, neglect (emotional or physical) or violence, it impacts the development of executive functioning skills.  If you recognize yourself in this statement, you may want to reach out to a therapist who can help you process your experiences and to heal any unresolved trauma.  In my own work with clients, my work is twofold.  First, we attend to the pain that has caused a person to come in for treatment.  Secondly, we simultaneously work at creating steps in the here and now that the client can take on their own behalf to live a more vibrant and happy life.

Baby Blues Got You Down? Tips for Managing Maternal Stress

by Dawn | Mar 18, 2021 | Uncategorized

Post Partum Blues Got You Down?

There is no doubt that becoming a mother is a joyous time in a woman’s life. The arrival of the baby that you have been anxiously awaiting is a magical and special time. However, mothering is also difficult work and can lead to feelings of exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, and shame.

I became pregnant with my first child when I was 36 years old, past the time that most of my friends had had their children. I was 8 months pregnant, when my college roommate and dear friend, Sharon, took me out to lunch to celebrate my upcoming move to Philadelphia. We talked all things baby, and about the excitement I felt over my daughter’s impending arrival. Then Sharon got serious and said “Dawn, I’m going to tell you something that no one else will ever tell you. There are days when you are going to HATE it. Everyone feels it, but no one ever says it.” Wow. Really?? Well, let me say that when the day arrived that I did hate it, as it does for most people, I remembered Sharon’s words. I felt relief, not shame over my feelings of overwhelm, and was able to chalk it up to a bad day, or fatigue. While I did not have post partum depression, I did experience feelings of overwhelm, feelings of sadness, and even feelings of grief over the loss of the old version of myself. These feelings did not last long, but when they did show themselves, I felt better knowing that I was not alone.

I have found that one of the first things that goes by the wayside when one becomes a mother (and this is only amplified when you have more than one) is self-care. Taking time for yourself, even if it is just a half hour per day is more crucial than any other time in your life. It’s a common belief among women that taking care of themselves first is “selfish”. I am here to tell you it is anything BUT selfish. When you take care of yourself first, you are a better partner, a better mother, and a better version of yourself. Everyone wins in this scenario! Here are a few ways that you can take care of yourself even while managing a family:

1. Movement of some kind, every single day is essential. Yes, every single day. Put the baby in the stroller, and get outside for a long walk or run each day. If you can pair movement with meeting a friend, even better! The fresh air, combined with the movement will help with any type of baby blues. I always recommend movement to my clients who experience depression, anxiety, or feeling stuck, because the antidote to feeling stuck is to move. Remember-it doesn’t have to be a crazy intense workout that becomes yet another task on your to-do list. Simply giving yourself time for gentle movement of some kind, whether it be walking, running, or yoga is essential for well-being of any kind. Movement is medicine!!

2. Take a shower. EVERY DAY. I remember a conversation that I had with a woman who had just had her first baby the prior year. I was newly married, and was attending the wedding of a friend. This woman began to regale me with all of the horror stories of being a mother. She told me “You are not going to be able to take a shower for days at a time. You will greet your husband at the end of the day covered in spit up. It’s awful!” Really? No shower for days? WTH??? If this sounds like you, please put the baby in the carrier and leave him or her outside the shower door while you take care of your hygiene. If you can squeeze a longer shower in while the baby naps, all the better. If it has to happen at 5:00 pm, so be it. Trust me on this. Take a shower EVERY SINGLE DAY.

3. Find a half hour each day when you can do something for yourself. Read a book, journal, meditate, play an instrument, work in your garden. Anything that speaks to you on a soul level is welcome.

4. If you can afford childcare, bite the bullet and have someone help you a few mornings per week or another time in the day that feels challenging to you. My saving grace was a college student that came two afternoons per week so that I could go to the grocery store by myself. Sometimes I simply went to Barnes and Noble, got a coffee, and read quietly on the second floor by myself for a few hours. It allowed me some breathing room, and was money well spent for my mental well-being.

5. Socialize with other friends who are moms, and BE HONEST with one another about your struggles. When we have the courage to be honest with others, it lessens the sense of shame we feel about being overwhelmed or unhappy. No one, I repeat NO ONE, does motherhood perfectly and there is no shame in admitting it is hard. I had my conversation with my friend Sharon 18 years ago, and I still quote her all the time because it had such a profound impact on me when I needed it.

6. Make sure that you and your partner are switching off on the weekends so that you both get some time alone. This is so important! Meet a friend for lunch. Take a yoga class. Go on a hike. Go to a museum. Get a manicure/pedicure or massage. Anything that feels like it brings you back to your sense of self is important. Your partner will also need this time, so take yours and offer the same gift to him or her. You will both be better for it.

7. Refrain from excessive social media scrolling. I know it can be tempting to just “veg out” and mindlessly scroll, especially when you are tired and overwhelmed. But nothing can make you feel badly about yourself more than watching endless Instagram or Facebook stories about celebrities who are doing motherhood “right” or even friends who paint a glorious picture of life with kids. These stories are not the truth, but are presented in such a way that one can never measure up, or one becomes exhausted trying. Turn off notifications, and stay away from the temptation to idealize other people’s experiences or compare yourself. It has no basis in reality and is harmful to your soul. Remember-REAL LIFE IS NOT AN INSTAGRAM STORY!

8. Seek help if you do not begin to feel better after a couple of weeks. There is a difference between “baby blues” and post-partum depression, and it is important to differentiate between the two. Baby blues generally show up as feelings of irritability, sadness, moodiness, and fatigue for a few hours a day. These feelings lessen or disappear after a couple of weeks. Post-partum depression is more intense, and can include feelings of aggression, extreme stress, emotional dysregulation, and feelings of detachment from your baby. If you recognize the symptoms of post partum depression, it is essential that you seek professional help. There are many therapists who can help you manage the emotional symptoms of post partum depression, and a medical professional can prescribe medication if it is warranted.

Remember, motherhood is difficult for everyone. Be gentle and unfailingly kind to yourself. You deserve the same kind of loving and attentive nurturing that you are offering your baby. Most important-reach out for help if you need it!

Mining the unconscious

by Dawn | Jan 21, 2021 | Uncategorized

“Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our lives, and we will call it fate.”  Carl Jung

This quote by Carl Jung perfectly summarizes the basis of analytic psychology. What we are unaware of in our psyche is actually in control of our lives and causes us to act out in unhealthy patterns in our work, in our relationships with others, and most importantly, in our relationship with ourselves. How many times have you found yourself attracting the same type of relationship over and over, with unhappy results? How many times have you found yourself getting “activated” by situations with friends, partners, or at work? Have you found yourself listlessly “going through the motions” of life, knowing that you have more potential within, but having difficulty tapping into it? Some of this can be attributed to shadow, or the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of, the parts we don’t want ourselves or others to know. Another part can be attributed to repressed and suppressed emotions that were difficult to process, so they get pushed down into the depths of the unconscious. Most often, this stems from childhood when we did not have the capabilities or emotional bandwidth to handle what was happening. Whatever we are unaware of, whatever we are actively avoiding, will always show up in our personal lives, and as Carl Jung stated, we will call it fate. So how do we tap into the unconscious? My first recommendation would be to pay close attention to your dreams. When you are asleep, your conscious defenses are not at work, and the unconscious shows itself in images through your dreams. I recommend a dream journal to all of my clients, to be kept at the bedside along with a pen. Upon awakening, write down all aspects of the dream that you can remember, along with the feeling tone of the dream. Give yourself quiet time and space to be with aspects of the dream, and allow thought to emerge from a quiet place. I have had some very powerful and enlightening conversations with clients when they bring their dreams to our sessions, and find it to be an essential element of any therapy. Writing is another powerful way that we can tap into the unconscious aspects of our minds and hearts. Having a sacred place where you can bring all your feelings, thoughts, memories, and sorrows can help to release the emotion from the body, freeing up space for vibrant living. At the end of most sessions, I will often offer up a journal prompt to my clients to help them in the continuation of whatever themes we are working on. Active imagination is another tool that can be used to tap into the unconscious aspects of our psyche. Active imagination is where you sit with whatever is coming up for you, and have a conversation with it, whether it is a person, a part of your shadow, or a dream element. This imaginative conversation creatively opens the doors to the psyche and often allows for an insight to emerge from the depths that was not available to you consciously. I recognize that we are a culture of “quick fixes”. It seems that every psychologist or “expert” is writing a book on how to heal from the past, or teaching us how to live. We all want 5 easy steps to emotional freedom, but in my experience, there is no substitute for the difficult, often painful, but ultimately rewarding work of deep inner exploration.